Every mom gets teary-eyed at the thought of her baby getting married, but my daughter’s engagement produced as much terror as wistfulness. I had not really gotten around to losing the baby weight and, worse, had allowed the fat cells to invite a few friends over. The wedding would be swarming with photographers. Now what?
Having finally settled on a dress, I frantically searched for a magical undergarment to smooth the lumps and bumps. The girdles my mother wore 50 years ago have been reincarnated as “shapewear” and are now marketed to everyone from fat old ladies to well-toned young dancers. Called Spanx, they fetch a small fortune, probably because overweight mothers of brides give off a veritable stench of desperation.
Sticker shock aside, I ran to the fitting room, pulled a wad of spandex out of a box no larger than a deck of cards, and began laughing uncontrollably. I was fairly certain that the sales clerks were calling the EMTs for an emergency psych admission, but it would be worth a short hospitalization if this product would make me look svelte for the wedding. I stifled myself long enough to stick a toe through the microscopic opening I guessed to be a leg hole. It approached mid-calf before I suspected that I had flattered myself in selecting a size from the shelf. Ten minutes of grunting later, at mid-thigh, I was convinced that if I inserted a tiny satellite into the fabric and pulled back, I could actually launch that sucker into orbit. Let’s just say that the tensile strength of Spanx is beyond impressive. Be forewarned that if you plan to don “shapewear” for a wedding, you cannot drink anything for the duration. You’ll miss the entire reception by the time you get it off and back on again. Your only hope is to go before you leave the house and pack scissors in case you wind up in the ER for dehydration.
Disentangling myself from this nuclear-compression garment, I squeezed it back into its tiny box and perused the shelf for other sizes and styles. That’s when I realized that Spanx has quite an impressive line, including one product called Booty-Full. Clearly, this company does not understand the over-50 market. Isn’t a full booty the problem? I am part of the generation that never wanted a big caboose and, not to put too fine a point on it, but certainly will not pay good money to purchase a larger one. We older moms are shopping for Booty-Less-Full and would pay a considerable premium for Booty-Not-Visible-on-Wedding-Photos. And put a rush on that invention, would you, please? My son is getting married in six months.