Live Chat
Get a Card
My Account
Catalog
Website
Events
Catalog
Vega Discover Catalog
Classic Catalog
Access My Account
Account Questions
Get a Library Card
Research
Online Resources
Online Learning
Ask a Librarian
Book a Librarian
Services
COVID Tests
Creativity Commons
Curbside Pickup
Hotspot Lending
Interlibrary Loan
Internet Access
Library App
Meeting Rooms
Outreach Services
Passports
Printing, Scanning, Copying, Faxing
Reading Suggestions
Seniors
Speakers Bureau
Teachers
Test Proctoring
Voter Registration
Collections
Audiobooks
Books
eCollection
Library of Things
Maker Kits
Movies & Music
New Arrivals
Newspapers & Magazines
Read Alongs
Recommend a Purchase
Programs
Adult Education
Book Discussions
Calendar of Events
Digital Escape Rooms
Early Literacy
Eclipses
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition
Exhibits
Good Life Writing Contest
Make It Programs
Speakers Bureau
Storytimes
Kids
'Brary Bags
Curious Kids
Get Creative Crafts
Heads in Books
Kids Events
goodREADS Kids!
1,000 Books Before Kindergarten
Maker Kits for Kids
Nature Literature Trails
Storytime
Super Readers
Tail Waggin' Tutors
Teens
Book Clubs
goodREADS@WCPL Teens
Personalized Reading List
Programs
Suggest a Teen Item
Teen Advisory Board
About
About the Library
Board of Trustees
Borrowing Guide
Contact Us
Donations
Employment
Friends of WCPL
Get a Card
Locations / Hours
Policies & Rules
Value Calculator
Welcome to the Library!
Library Home
>
Erma Bombeck Writing Competition
>
Winning Entries
Erma
Bombeck
Writing
Competition
"Hook 'em with the lead. Hold 'em with laughter. Exit with a quip they won't forget." ˜ Erma Bombeck
The 2023/2024 Erma Bombeck Writing Competition is now open! Competition closes Tuesday, January 8, 2024 at
8 P.M.
(EST)
2016 First Place - Humor - Global
"Shape Shifters" - Written By: Mary Kay Fleming - Crescent Springs, KY, United States
Every mom gets teary-eyed at the thought of her baby getting married, but my daughter’s engagement produced as much terror as wistfulness. I had not really gotten around to losing the baby weight and, worse, had allowed the fat cells to invite a few friends over. The wedding would be swarming with photographers. Now what?
Having finally settled on a dress, I frantically searched for a magical undergarment to smooth the lumps and bumps. The girdles my mother wore 50 years ago have been reincarnated as “shapewear” and are now marketed to everyone from fat old ladies to well-toned young dancers. Called Spanx, they fetch a small fortune, probably because overweight mothers of brides give off a veritable stench of desperation.
Sticker shock aside, I ran to the fitting room, pulled a wad of spandex out of a box no larger than a deck of cards, and began laughing uncontrollably. I was fairly certain that the sales clerks were calling the EMTs for an emergency psych admission, but it would be worth a short hospitalization if this product would make me look svelte for the wedding. I stifled myself long enough to stick a toe through the microscopic opening I guessed to be a leg hole. It approached mid-calf before I suspected that I had flattered myself in selecting a size from the shelf. Ten minutes of grunting later, at mid-thigh, I was convinced that if I inserted a tiny satellite into the fabric and pulled back, I could actually launch that sucker into orbit. Let’s just say that the tensile strength of Spanx is beyond impressive. Be forewarned that if you plan to don “shapewear” for a wedding, you cannot drink anything for the duration. You’ll miss the entire reception by the time you get it off and back on again. Your only hope is to go before you leave the house and pack scissors in case you wind up in the ER for dehydration.
Disentangling myself from this nuclear-compression garment, I squeezed it back into its tiny box and perused the shelf for other sizes and styles. That’s when I realized that Spanx has quite an impressive line, including one product called Booty-Full. Clearly, this company does not understand the over-50 market. Isn’t a full booty the problem? I am part of the generation that never wanted a big caboose and, not to put too fine a point on it, but certainly will not pay good money to purchase a larger one. We older moms are shopping for Booty-Less-Full and would pay a considerable premium for Booty-Not-Visible-on-Wedding-Photos. And put a rush on that invention, would you, please? My son is getting married in six months.
About the Author:
Mary Kay Fleming is a mother of two young adults, a happily-married of over 30 years, and a developmental psychologist. She loves finding humor in the mundane—something she learned from her mother and sisters, Erma Bombeck, and so many wonderful women in her life. She writes to maintain her tenuous hold on sanity.
Quick
Links
Get Involved
Donate
Friends of WCPL
Volunteer
Have Fun!
Programs & Events
Nature Literature Trails
Little Free Libraries
Services
Get a Library Card
Download the Library App
Reserve a Meeting Room
About
Contact Us
Employment
Policies & Privacy