The likelihood of a family to have two children under the age of two has seemingly dwindled to near extinction.
And I’m not talking about having twins.
I’m talking about having one pregnancy, labor, delivery, recovery, and getting one baby through the newborn stage, and then returning to GO without collecting $200 and starting over… while continuing to care for the one-year-old because no matter how many times you show him, he still can’t manage to make his own PB&J or select the correct rinse cycle on the washing machine.
Since my husband and I have recently found ourselves in this territory, I thought it prudent to prepare a Travelogue to Two Under Two for our fellow parents in arms who may also stumble into this taxing terrain.
Two Under Two
- Top Reasons for Visiting:
- Pregnancy amnesia (a self-diagnosed condition not recognized by the medical community where the afflicted inaccurately recalls a prior pregnancy and newborn stage as a carefree trip made on the back of a unicorn).
- A mostly-happy ten-month-old who has been sleeping through the night for far too long, instilling a false sense of confidence in parenting abilities.
- One too many whiskey cokes.
- Navigating:
- Meals:
- Welcome to life as a short order cook, motivational speaker, bus boy, and dishwasher.
- Eating habits of the locals are varied and unpredictable. Strong preferences are shown towards the microwavable delicacies of the chicken nugget, hot dog, and mac cheese.
- Your new diet will consist of crusts and caffeine.
- Lodging:
- Ignore all current trends.
- Magnolia Home is a lie and buying the new product line on a Target bender isn’t going to change the fact that there is a Little Tikes slide in your formal living room and precisely 87 devices in your house that bounce, sway, and mimic crickets that a newborn can sleep in, but will refuse to do so.
- Embrace the Feng Shui of Fisher Price.
- Hygiene:
- Abandon any hope of both kids being clean at the same time.
- Once you change the baby’s outfit for a fourth time the one-year-old will inevitably run a handful of marinara through his hair.
- Dry shampoo will become your best friend.
After my husband and I have clawed our way through another week and both babies succumb to slumber, I step over Thomas the Tank engines and burp cloths and sink into the living room sofa. This land of motherhood has a strange effect on its inhabitants: in the quiet, I miss the kids.
My husband and I smile at each other from across the room. He asks if he can get me anything.
“I’ll have a whiskey. Make it a double.”
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