Dear Mr. Roper,
As a Senior Customer Service Representative at Galaxy Household, Inc., I am pleased to respond to your letter regarding the Nostrilizer 2000. FYI, I am retiring tomorrow and our Vice President has given me free reign in responding to your complaint. Between you and me, itís the best thing I ever got from this raggedy company including my ex-husband who still works in the mailroom.
I read your letter, all eighteen pages. Perhaps you should rethink writing in crayon. Judging from the numerous beer and Cheetos stains, I assume youīre skipping your Harvard class reunion this year.
First of all, I assure you the company is not run by primates as you suggested. A few of my female colleagues may have a bit more facial hair than I personally am comfortable with, but we are all homo sapiens. In addition, I see no reason why it was necessary to insult our mothers in your letter.
Secondly, the Nostrilizer 2000 isnít at fault. It was designed specifically for trimming NASAL hair. It is copyrighted, advertised and sold for that sole purpose. It was at your own risk to disregard the warning against misuse.
Thirdly, thanks for the emergency room Polaroids :-). Thereís no doubt you endured pain and suffering while the device remained entangled. The notarized statements from the medical staff were hardly necessary as each concurred that you were screaming like some violated hyena.
You thrive on misuse. You used our Grill Master 101 as a bed warmer and our Dentalizer 5000 to remove ear wax. You even attempted to use the Rotisserie Plus 1510 as a space training module for your hamster complex. Youíre clearly deviant in using our products and later demanding some form of compensation on our behalf.
We are not giving you free Tivo and Snapple for life.
Threatening to patronize our competitors will not exactly throw Galaxy Household into bankruptcy protection. In terms you can understand.: Losing your business would be like you missing one more tooth in that nearly empty head of yours; the difference would go unnoticed.
Go ahead, tell ALL your friends to boycott our products. Itíll be five less dimwits (present company included) to deal with. By all means, file suit. Itís probably the only suit youíre willing to pay for.
This concludes our relationship Mr. Roper as itís obvious that the lifeguard in your gene pool is on an extended break.
Full time grandchild spoiler
P.S. If you insist on using our products, then might I suggest the Toastmaster 240. Not only does it make superb toast, but by immersing it in the bath tub, itís better than snow for making angels.O180