I think, if honest, we would admit that our funeral is our final opportunity to host; but sadly, the details of this important event are often left in the hands of amateurs.
At my house, I live with 4 men - a husband and 3 college-age sons. The thought of what they would plan is appalling. I imagine if left to his own accord, my accountant-husband would send out an RFP to local funeral homes and award the honors to the lowest bidder. I can see it now; my final farewell will be held at Ed’s Grocery and Crematorium – “a one-stop shop for cooking up dinner and your loved one”.
In order to limit their influence on my funeral arrangements I have outlined a few of my wishes:
- To get in a final win, I want to be cremated. It will prove my mother-in-law wrong, who said I couldn’t bake.
- And my ashes shall be intermixed in our family vacuum cleaner so I can always be near. Vacuum bag inventory shows no one, other than me, knows how to empty the bag.
- I want bouncers. There will be a short “Exclusion List” that I have prepared. I don’t want a few people that have been a pain-in-my-backside attending my funeral just to make themselves feel better about how they treated me. To be clear, this funeral is not being held for others to find their redemption.
- My Dad always said I have “kind hair”, the “kind” that grows around a dog’s rear-end, as it was always untamed. So, rather than actual pictures… I will have prepared a lengthy slideshow where I have photo-shopped my face on people at historic events. Move over John Glenn – it seems I have had a rather impressive life of global, as well as interstellar, success.
- My music will include a karaoke video of me singing the Greatest American Hero theme song. The lyrics aptly include the following: “Look at what's happened to me. I can't believe it myself. Suddenly I'm up on top of the world… It should have been somebody else”.
- And, the most important component, I want one of my sons, during the funeral to text some in attendance from my cell phone and say, “Thank you for coming; it means a lot to me.” And, for a few that are noticeably missing from the room, a quick text… “Hmmm. My funeral is going on right now. I guess our friendship was a clear misunderstanding.”
Yes, you will want to get your reservations in early. That way if you find yourself on the Exclusion List, there will still be time to make amends and secure your seat. |
