Hailey K., Centerville High School
Recovery
Everyone is addicted to a specific feeling. For some, it is love, affection, starvation, praise, and even surrounding themselves with toxicity. I’m addicted to feeling still, numb, unbothered, and unaffected by everything. I gain a kind of positive reinforcement when just floating through life, it creates a ripple effect inside my mind. When I am suddenly gliding through a wave of people I feel free, as though everything will fall into place without any of my effort needed to be put in. It is only when I am alone, that I find myself drowning in my thoughts praying only that I gather enough strength to swim to the surface of my mind and take that one deep breath my body is craving so much. That is when the addiction truly starts.
Oxycodone was my first love. It wasn’t an obsession, or cry for help, it was an attraction. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it was exactly that made me fall in love with it, maybe the dependency I felt for it, or perhaps it was just the buzz that did it for me. Either way, it was a toxic love, one that could only ever end in heartbreak and grief. Seeing the effect it had on my body made me crave it even more, the sicker I looked the more proud I felt. I wanted to test how far I could go until I reached my breaking point. It wasn''t until I started seizing in my sister''s arms that I felt like I lost control, and at that moment, I felt like I was already dead. The realization that the drugs gave me greater comfort than anything else in my life could, is what scared me the most. How could something so deadly make me feel so safe? I started to wish I had never started in the first place, but the urge to keep going was too strong. I knew I needed help, I just didn’t want to find it.
Quitting and recovering was one of the hardest things I have ever accomplished, but it forced me to become a better person. The confidence I gained from overcoming the addiction is unmatched by any high I have ever experienced. There were times when I wanted to feel numb again, but I used my strength as motivation to push through and not relapse. I gained a better attitude and not only became healthier physically but also mentally. I’m back in my routine of school, sports, and personal care as a distraction from the urges. The best coping mechanism I have found is to keep myself busy, and so far it has worked. My life is finally back on track, and I intend to keep it that way.
