Emma M., Miami Valley School
Finding Light in the Dark
It is never easy to choose to be happy when circumstances around you make you feel anything but happy. Still, I’ve learned the importance of looking for silver linings and finding moments of joy, even when outcomes are predicted to worsen. Coping with my grandmother’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life, challenging me to search for light in the presence of overwhelming darkness.
Grandma was a constant source of positivity in my life, putting my needs above her own, showing me sweetness, love, and compassion. She lived with me the entire first year of my life, and after that, we remained incredibly close, visiting each other several times a year for weeks at a time.
A few years ago, things started to change. Grandma became confused, embarrassed, and terrified because she was losing her abilities. Her sweet-natured character became lost to words that cut her loved ones like a knife. In these early days, she realized her biggest fear was coming true - she was facing the same devastating disease that took her own mother. She knew that she would soon be robbed of her memories, her words, and possibly even the very recognition of her own children. She knew that she would cause unintentional pain to her most cherished loved ones because she had lived through that pain firsthand.
Grandma now lives in a memory care facility where she is completely dependent on others to take care of her smallest needs. She has lost her words, responds with small whimpers, and wanders all night. When I last visited her, I walked into a somber and solemn lunchroom, where she and many other patients were eating. I felt a horrific sense of sadness. Yet when she saw my family and me walk through the doors, she jumped out of her seat with a smile on her face, shaking with excitement, because we came to see her.
In that moment, I made the decision to push away my sadness, live in the moment, and fully mirror her joy. I knew that it was now my job to make her feel as loved as she always made me feel, and that choice resulted in true happiness for myself and those around me. This change in mindset beautifully aligned with words from the Buddha, “The past is already gone, the future is not yet here. There’s only one moment for you to live, and that is the present moment.” It also beautifully summarizes what it might be like to live with late-stage Alzheimer’s.
Since then, a deep understanding came over me. I may not have the ability to control what happens, but I can always control my response to it. It is important to find peace and goodness, even when dealing with hard situations. I realized that Grandma’s diagnosis didn’t define her, and what really mattered was that we shared joy, love, and connection in the present.
